Chantal asked if she could give me some feedback Friday night after the meeting. She said basically it sounds like I have some serious abandonment issues. Not for nothing, there is a reason I have struggled for so long in my relationship with Steve, stay or not stay. Sit with that. Try to understand what that fear is. Where does it come from. Be kind to myself. Write about that fear or those fears.
She said this was an issue for her, probably still is. “The real acid test is being alone,” she shared, and Chantal is not. Neither am I.
It was very kind of her to talk with me and offer compassion and advice. There are some really wonderful people in my group. I feel like they want me to be happy. And I want to be happy too.
Steve left today after being here for Hopscotch weekend. We had a nice weekend together; we ran, had breakfast, walked around downtime. Very pleasant, if superficial. We did not have serious conversations about our relationship, as I asked for when we saw each other last Sunday in VA. I felt hope after that day, because I had mustered up the courage finally, even if in a childlike way, to say, “this is not how I want to live the rest of my life, nor how I want you to live the rest of your life, half-committed, not getting closer, not planning for the future.” I told Steve I wanted to talk about why we are not getting closer, revisit the problems we have talked about in the past to see if we can get past them, because we are not going to get closer, if we don’t talk, and I don’t want to live like this the rest of my life.
Well, we did not talk this weekend, which makes me a little sad. In this relationship, I am the less avoidant person, go figure, and I am hella avoidant when it comes to having hard conversations, though I am working on that. I don’t know if we ever will talk, if I wait for Steve to talk about our relationship. And it’s not a bad or negative thing to talk about one’s relationship, how’s the sex, are you feeling cared for, what do you want to do in the future, where do you/we want to live, things like this.
I don’t want to be pedantic and maudlin all the time, but I don’t want to be half-committed either, and the only way I understand it right now, to be more committed, is to be vulnerable and honest about my needs and wants. 100% of them, as Jennifer would say. No inner mental dialogue or negotiating or rationalizing.
I feel like an alcoholic tonight, going to buy a bottle of red wine at 10pm.
Anyway, these are steps forward. Talking with Steve and getting encouragement from a friend. ODAAT.
Thank you, God.