Tonight is my first date night. With myself. This feels…strange. I don’t know what I want to do. I have an entire list of “should do’s,” e.g. finish my board meeting minutes, before I do what I want to do, e.g. finish watching Women Without Men.
Now that the hour has arrived, I find it extremely challenging to sit down and put my phone away to start my date. I have become increasingly, overly connected to my phone over the past three months. (As a distraction? Probably.) And now that my date night has started, I am not sure I know what to do. I feel sort of anxious I will not spend these three hours well.
This is the point, right? Tess said when she started taking Little Tess out for date nights, she didn’t know what to do. Then, as time passed, she wanted more than one night a week to herself. I want to get there too.
My big takeaway from Healing the Child Within was that I need to get to know myself. At least, that is what my classmates told me. And trust me, I throw up a little in my mouth to write that. What a first-world privilege to even be able to have such a thought.
My original goal at the end of our class was to increase my self confidence. After all, if I was more self confident, wouldn’t I have moved past Steve already? Wouldn’t I know what I want? This goal, though, didn’t feel quite right. I do feel confident in some ways, e.g. with work, more and more with my decision making, even with men, to some extent. I feel like I would never get into a relationship with someone who treated me poorly or whom I did not respect.
Then why have I had such a hard time getting past Steve?!
Why do I get scared of losing our friendship at the risk of losing my life?
Maybe I am afraid of being alone?
Tess and Laura suggested that maybe I am afraid of being alone because I don’t know myself…
One of the aha moments from this class was when I realized I have not been alone for any significant period of time since I was 22 years old. I was separated for eight months before Steve and I started dating. That was the longest period of “aloneness”. Before that, my college boyfriend and I broke up when I was 21?, and I was single for a year. The gals offered that maybe I don’t know myself and what I want and like, which leads to me being afraid to be alone, which leads me to having a hard time getting over Steve.
God, I cry to think this, that is possible for a person to be afraid to be alone with herself. #HowSad
So that brings me to this evening. Date night #1. And sitting @wholepaycheck with a glass of wine not knowing what to do with the evening. Here’s what I have observed about myself so far:
- I have a hard time turning off my phone. Tonight, in writing and thinking, I haven’t looked at my phone for an hour-and-a-half, and I feel calm.
- I should think of an activity ahead of time, if I want to, to have an LFT. In fact, all day today, I was looking forward to this evening, even though I had no specific plans with myself LOL (What a sh!tty planner I am! I should break up with myself right now.)
- Date night feels good. I have been planning date nights for two months, and this is the first time I have sat down to be with myself. Date night, like meditation, feels like self love.
I am really excited about watching this movie tonight. Thank you to my 5th-grade bestie Nissa for introducing me to it. I am sending self-love wishes and intentions out into the world for every woman to love and value herself starting today.