I feel sad. Confused. I am losing Steve, and while I have been working my way towards ending our relationship, or at least determining if it can be salvaged and improved, now that we may really break up, I feel sad.
I feel I want to hug Steve more tightly, kiss his sweet lips, look into his green eyes, and tell him I love him.
What is wrong with me?
I checked in with Steve about a week ago to ask how he felt about our relationship. I guess I am codependent, I can’t feel confident in my own feelings and decisions, I have to get Steve’s feedback too.
I asked Steve what he thought about our relationship and where we were headed. How did he feel? I mean, we had all those serious conversations, and am I the only one agonizing over the future of our relationship?
Steve said no, after the eclipse trip, he felt like it was hopeless. Well, it would’ve been nice if you shared that with me, I thought. I felt a little relieved, but also annoyed, and definitely sad to know that Steve believes our relationship is over and can’t be saved. And why wouldn’t he tell me?
All of this time, and talking about his job offer in DC, he’s been talking about building in travel expenses to come to North Carolina on the weekend. That is confusing. But I guess, again, the lesson for me to learn is I have to take action in my own life.
I asked Steve what he thought about our relationship and specifically our physical relationship. What did he think? Would we work on it? Would it get better?
Steve said we would never have spontaneous-PNV sex. There was no use in going to a sex therapist, because he had already been and knew what they would say: lots of foreplay, which he thinks I don’t like (not true, I just would like intercourse too).
So our physical relationship would always be the same. And I am second-guessing myself. Wondering if I could live with our physical relationship the way it is to be able to have this sweet man in my life.