Responding out of love not longing

I just emailed Darrell. And I feel good. Out of the blue, Darrell sent me an email Thursday morning. I was surprised to receive it. He felt he should respond to the letter I gave him when we met in Korea.

His message was all sorts of confusing. He said as much in his email, “this might sound confusing.” He mentioned having regrets about rushing into his new relationship, mused aloud about moving to the States, but then went on to say he is moving forward with his new relationship and that I should have a nice life should we never see each other again.

You know, at first, reading this email made me elated. Well, Darrell, still thinks enough of me to have doubts about his path in life and to want to continue to contact me. But that is sadistic of me to want less than his happiness and my own. Then I felt sad, because the bottom line is, regardless of his inner conflicts, he is moving forward with someone else. Finally, I felt relieved. Wait. If not, relieved, content? At peace? Being back here and interacting with Steve and friends and my life, I realize there are other opportunities for me to be happy on my own and with a man, if I choose, than Darrell. I know that.

So I could respond to Darrell this evening with love and kindness and without longing, because I don’t have any expectations of him anymore. I believe talking with Darrell in person, and him talking to me especially, reaching out to me, helped me move past him, in knowing that he really did and does care for me, and that it is ok for our relationship to be over. I imagine sadness may arise again, here and there, but in my heart, at this moment, I want Darrell to be happy, and I want to move forward with my life by being honest with myself and Steve.

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