I was thinking about following up with Darrell earlier this week. Clearly, there are some drawbacks to having a closure conversation, as I know now there are always questions left unanswered.
In the end, I did not message Darrell, and I am glad. I left everything on the table when we met, and there is nothing left for me to say. In that respect, I am at peace and want to face other areas of my life and be solo for a while.
Darrell sent me a message Friday, unexpectedly, to thank me for my letter and honesty and to say he felt lucky to have been in my life. We could have left it at that, but I asked a question and then said something that put him off. He said he regretted we were apart and wished things could be different but he felt a responsibility to the person he was with since he is already down the road with her.
I wish he would not say these things. These words throw me off, and I think about them for a while, before coming back to center.
The truth is, Darrell doesn’t want to be with me. He wants to be with someone else, and I hurt myself when I interpret his words as something I want to hear and ignore the truth. I also put him in the position of having to tell me again we are broken up. And again, that hurts me.
I think Darrell really have some regrets. I think he has questions about his relationship, because I don’t think you say you are with stay someone out of responsibility; you stay out of love. But he could be saying that not to hurt my feelings.
it doesn’t matter, because the end result is the same. It’s not for me to question Darrell’s motives, only my own. If Darrell is in distress, I know what he is going through because I did to him what he did to me, i.e. carry on an emotional affair while I was with someone else. I wanted to leave Steve to be with Darrell, but I was scared and clearly had some things I need to work out with myself and with Steve. I suspect Darrell may be as codependent as me, if not more, because I know what I did was wrong, whereas he doesn’t see how his words were misleading to me. It’s hard for me to be mad at him, knowing his family history and knowing he is similar to me in looking to be loved.
Darrell said, “it’s no good when you call your girlfriend ‘Susan’ “and that they don’t talk as easily as we do. Isn’t that a terrible thing to say? I can only imagine he is being codependent and subconsciously keeping me on the back burner , he is not satisfied totally with his girlfriend, he does miss me but us scared or feels responsible to his girlfriend as he said, or he is just nice and feeling bad about hurting me. Maybe all of the above. Or maybe I looked pretty, and Darrell was reminded of old times.
I don’t know and I don’t care. Darrell is with someone else. He doesn’t want to be with me, and I don’t want to be with someone who is with someone else.
Well, we both loved each other and we are both working through our shit. That’s life. I have no regrets because I said all I wanted to say, and there is nothing more I can do. There is peace in that.
If some part of Darrell has regret, then that a small salve on the wound of being dumped. Am I a bad human to think this?
Most important, I can walk away without looking back having been true to myself in our conversation. It helps me to remember:
- I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
- I don’t want to be with someone who is too scared to be with me.
- I don’t want to be with someone who is so conflicted in his life choices.
- I don’t want to be with someone who feels pity for me.
I am learning to trust my gut, face my fear, say my piece, be honest, watch for the other person’s response, and move on.
Now I go home to do the same with Steve.
Earlier this week, I was negotiating with myself to avoid contacting Darrell:
Why hasn’t Darrell contacted me after or talk? What was I thinking? I really misunderstood his intentions.
I told Darrell no when he asked if he could contact me sometime. Now, I want to let Darrell know I am open to talking to him far in the future. Why?
I want to be with him. And I want to have a connection with him. I don’t want to lose him.
Haven’t I already lost Darrell?
Do I really want any connection with him? Would I settle for an email here and there when he is in a relationship? Crumbs?
Do I want to be a backup plan?
Is there any situation under which talking with darrell would feel good?
Only if he wants to be with me.
And did I make myself clear to let me know if he ever was not in a relationship?
Yes, embarrassingly clear.
Did I tell him I love him?
Did he still walk away?
Why would I tell him I am open to talking to him in the future?
Because I am sad our relationship ended, and I still want to be with him, and I am willing to settle for crumbs.
No, I am not,