Seeing Darrell for the last time

I feel sad. But as Cheryl reminded me, feeling sad doesn’t mean I can’t let go.

My expectations were to feel valued, seen, heard, and hear that our relationship was important to Darrell too, that it wasn’t all bad, that I wasn’t all bad for running away from commitment; and to learn, so I can be a better partner in the future; and to leave nothing left unsaid (even if that meant embarrassing myself or saying too much).

Deep down, my expectations included planting a seed for the future. I know that.

Today, I feel sad. Nothing has changed. What I thought were words and signs that Darrell still had feelings for me and wanted to be with me, a day later, I realize were signs that he struggled with his decision and might be codependent too; or thinks of me as a friend now and feels pity for me.

Still, I am glad I had the conversation with Darrell, because it met all my expectations above, except for the unstated. I got everything I wanted out of it, all of my expectations above, except Darrell of course. And I know why almost every article I read cautioned against a closure talk; it reopens wounds. I feel I am resetting the clock on letting go.

But I am letting go.

I am strong.
I choose myself.
I have other areas and people in my life to love and attend to.
I love myself. And I have everything I need to be happy within myself.

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