Well, I did it.

I am the kind of person who has to touch the hot stove before I learn.
I messaged Darrell about getting together. I felt fine when I hit send, now I have a little queasiness. Thing is, my addict logic, I tortured myself about it for two days. I wanted to stop overthinking. Now the ball is out of my court, and I can focus on myself, and if Darrell chooses not to see me, then that is more information for me. Maybe it will hurt, but isn’t a good punch in the gut good for moving on?

I wish I wasn’t such a masochist.

(And look, Darrell, has written me back immediately and had wanted to write to me. So this answers one question–I did mean something, and he had been thinking of me. I wish this didn’t matter to me. So I am glad I reached out. Some healing can come for both of us from this. I am preparing myself for Darrell to tell me he is in love and getting married. In any case, I win. This may hurt like a motherforker, and I may regret my decision, but I am a person who trusts my gut and takes action. Maybe Darrell never would have written to me, and we would not have had healing. Or he would have come back months or a year later. Who knows? Or he would have gotten married, and I would hurt a year from now. In any case, I win. I make things happen in my life. For better or worse :\)

Now what is my intention, the highest and best outcome of this talk?

The best outcome is that Darrell meets with me, acknowledges he really did love me, and the breakup was not all my fault. I want to feel valued, heard, seen, and thanked for the time we had together and to know the memories are not all sadness but also fun and love.

Other positive outcomes: I see that Darrell is happy or he is awkward around me, and it is a slap in the face, which I need.

5 thoughts on “Well, I did it.

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