Mixed feelings being here in Korea. I remember Darrell meeting me at the airport with flowers. I know he is here with his new love, and that takes some of the wind out of my sails for having moved on and placing our relationship in the past as necessary for my growth. I suppose that’s expected to be here in Korea where I made so many technicolor memories.
This may be the last time I am back for a while. I have escaped to Holly’s Coffee for a few moments of quietude.
I feel sad when I am with my mother. She talks nonstop, complains, asks for help, acts like a child. I watch her, head moving back and forth, staring, fidgeting, and I think about how depressed and anxious I was in July and I can’t imagine how much anxiety my mother deals with. I feel sad for her that she cannot relax and enjoy, and I think, deep down doesn’t feel ok with herself. I feel sad for myself too that she never hears anything I say, asking five other people to confirm my recommendations. Why does it bother me when I am not heard? And I feel sad and frustrated with myself that I don’t take time to look at my mom and listen to her and see her. I know our time together is short.
I will feel grateful to see family and friends. And you know, I am grateful that my almost-70-year-old mother made it to my house and through this 19 hour trip. I can feel gratitude for that. And the weather is beautiful. I will go back to the apartment to get my mom to show her around Seoul.
Here are some things to look forward to today: we are going to walk around town and go eye shopping and eat fresh rice cake. That is something. I don’t have to have the rest of my life figured out right this minute or know where I want to live or even have tomorrow planned just yet or worry about not having a man who loves me fully. I have faith all this will work out for the best, and I will enjoy today and be grateful for this time.