What is your true nature?

Who is your authentic self?
Do you know? If you do, share with me. More than that, tell me how you discovered your true self. I have been thinking about this question today–what is my true nature, or who is my true self–and am looking forward to finding out and feeling whole.

I met my friend Narsi today. Narsi is someone who knows himself well and always seems so at peace to me. I wished Narsi a happy birthday on Facebook a year ago with, “Happy birthday, Narsi. You are a gift!” And he replied, “Thank you, Susan. And you are no less.” This is the kind of person Narsi is and how he makes me feel.

Narsi used to volunteer with the last nonprofit I worked for, and though he knows it not, he has become a spiritual mentor to me these past two years. We had a quick cup of tea while he is in town to be with his family and caught up on his life and mine a bit. He works for a startup on the West Coast, has three brilliant children, and spent a year working in India, moving his mum over from Chennai to live with him while there.

In truth, Narsi and I don’t know each other very well. We have met twice for coffee and emailed a bit, but I admire him nonetheless, and he has a great memory for catching up.

From Narsi, I always receive inspiration, because though he will concede he’s faced hardships in life, he always seems content. I asked Narsi how he came to be so at peace.

Let me see if I can sum up his thoughts as a roadmap for me in my life:

  • Well, I have always been a glass-half-full kind of guy.” Expect abundance.
  • “I meditate a lot, frequently.” Focus your thoughts.
  • “I give service. Mount Madonna in California is where I give service, and I have made a lot of friends there whom I have invited over for dinner.” Give to others.
  • “California has been such a wonderful environment for me. The vibe is totally different and more spiritual than North Carolina. The climate helps too.” Move to California! Go surfing!
  • “I have always known that my true nature is that of a spiritual person. I have read hundreds of books and I share them with my children and friends, and even if they don’t read them, we talk about the ideas.” Know who you are. Learn who you are.
  • “You have to know your true nature. Who are you? One of the best people to ask this of is your mother. Your mother knows your true nature, just as I know my children’s true nature.” (And here, the idea of asking my mother this makes me cry. Why? I think she would say I am kind and have a big heart, but actually I don’t feel that I do, because if that were true, why would I be hurting?) What does your mother think of you. Chances are her vision is of your highest self. 
  • “Most pain in this life is self-inflicted. You have to know the difference between life and a life situation. If your car is totaled, this may be a financial hardship, but this is a life situation. This is not life. I know this is temporary, just as my accomplishments are temporary. And they will pass.” Let go.

Toni Rabinowitz said something similar to me ~eight years ago when my husband and I were separating. “Feelings are temporary. They will pass.”

Thank you for this afternoon, Narsi.

Healing the Child Within
The rest of the evening I spent in the first session of my Healing the Child Within group. This week’s homework and reading have to do with discovering our true self. I am eager to get started. I want to eliminate the fear of abandonment that has held me back in life, so I am free to love myself and love others and operate from a place of love and not fear.

And I want to do this in 10 weeks.

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Footnote: Something I realized today is that I have been driving myself crazy with how to respond to Darrell. Should I contact him in Korea to see him? Should I write him a letter? What should I say? I am afraid of him forgetting about me. He “waited” for me for two years, and I am going to “give up” on him so easily? What will he think our love meant to me, that it was not that important? Then I think what might Darrell think, if I did reach out? Would he be repulsed? And then I realize he is not thinking about me at all.

The bottom line is when I think about what to do re: Darrell, i.e. try to control the future, I make myself crazy. When I focus on myself and the next right step with Steve, I don’t feel as crazy. (But when I think about what to do with Steve, I do feel scared.) I know this grief will pass, and just because I have these feelings now, doesn’t mean I will have them forever. I will ask myself when I get anxious and sad and distracted from my next step:

Is this (act) good for me?
Is this an act of love? For me? For the people I love, for anyone I love?
Or is this an act of fear?

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