Resolving my feelings toward Darrell

  1. I didn’t want to be with Darrell when I left Korea. I wanted to be with Steve.
  2. I spent all of this time with Steve, and if I am regretting not being with Darrell, I am saying I wasted this time with Steve. I have not wasted a minute being with Steve.
  3. When Darrell and I were together, we didn’t always have the most stimulating conversations.
  4. Darrell tried to please too many people, and this sometimes got on my nerves.
  5. We did not have the same depth of appreciation for art, i.e. not appreciating Bajirao Mastani or Beasts of the Southern Wild.
  6. Darrell’s conversations could be base, about sex, for example, with his column.
  7. He blamed others often for situations, e.g. blaming students for having excuses instead of accepting what is and working around it. Also, upset with Korea.
  8. Creature of habit not a creature of curiosity, e.g. needing to have cappuccino each morning in other countries.
  9. Darrell was more a follower than a leader, e.g. finding that one restaurant in Vietnam, not making a decision to come biking with me in Na Trang.
  10. Our relationship did not bring out the best in me or allow me to appreciate the best in Darrell. I.e. I felt like an older sister.
  11. I did not break up with Steve all this time to be with Darrell. Something in me did not do this. Which means I needed this breakup to learn what I need to learn.
  12. Darrell loved me very much, which means I am worthy of and can attract love.
  13. And I loved him and was so attracted to him (because I liked him as a person), which means I am capable of loving and being attracted to a man again.
  14. Darrell loved me so much and has moved on successfully. Tula loved me as well and has moved on to have a family. This means I will move on from this breakup too.
  15. It was not meant to be. I want it now with Darrell, but I did not want it then.
  16. I am happy Darrell is happy.
  17. And I am grateful Darrell broke up with me, because it is what I needed to look at my love addiction issues and to face finally my relationship with Steve.

Darrell was sent to me to show me what is possible in a relationship. To be adored, to be honest, to be attracted to someone, to be vulnerable. I can learn these lessons from our time together without needing Darrell to have been “the one”. 

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