Better anyway. Why?
I realize there’s a reason I am where I am.
For whatever reason, I didn’t or couldn’t break up with Steve to be with Darrell, maybe because I didn’t have the self esteem to pursue what I wanted, or I had unfinished business with Steve, or I was too scared of intimacy with Darrell. The fact is that’s where I was, and I can’t go back and change that. There is something I needed to learn from this situation–lean into intimacy, don’t run from love, say what I need no matter how scary–and I am learning it. And I hope this is the last time I have to learn these particular lessons.
I went to the gym – self care.
It’s basic, and sometimes I don’t feel like it, but I trust other love addicts and their experiences. Exercise connects me to my body and makes me feel grateful.
I talked with friends online – DD, YoungDoo.
Yesterday, it was Ape and Ate. I need to talk with someone I care about every day. It makes me feel good and think about someone other than myself.
I looked at my bucket list, i.e., my IHAWT list. I had been using the phrase “before I die, I want to,” but it doesn’t feel dynamic enough. “I have always wanted to…” feels more intentional.
I checked in with YoungDoo about getting together in Korea, so she can design a logo for a “Late Bloomers Do it Better” tee shirt. I like the “Life is good” series, and how these images capture specific and I would like to do something similar with a Late Bloomers theme, whether that is cartoons of specific joys or cartoons of epic late bloomers. I don’t know. This might just be one logo on one tee shirt that I can enjoy. Maybe I sell these shirts (to fund a scholarship for Funke) or give them as gifts to my late bloomer friends.
I also researched opening a Korean sauna in Raleigh. This is a random idea I have about opening a Korean spa here in town. I believe the demographics, density, and income levels in downtown Raleigh would support such a business. I mean, there must be five hot yoga studios within a 5-mile radius here.
As for next steps, I don’t know what comes next. Mostly, I have shared this idea with a few people. And I spent some time tonight researching Korean spas in the US. I think I need to visit a few Korean spas and meet with the owners and managers ideally. Create a list of questions about getting started, overhead, cash flow, yadda yadda. And there is probably a basic business course or “how to start a business” template I could look at it to learn what kind of market research I would need to do to gauge demand, etc. This could be fun! In any case, I’ll have fun visiting NY and DC and Chicago and maybe creating a mini Korean-spa tour across the US over the next year.
Thinking about my IHAWTs makes me excited for the future and less depressed about the past.
I also give myself permission to be sad right now. That doesn’t have to mean I have awful self esteem. Darrell and I started talking over the past few months. I am not proud of this. We talked about the future. Now he has moved on. It’s normal to be sad, because I loved him. And facing breaking up with Steve after having been together for six years collectively, that is a major change. So I give myself a little leeway to be sad and to feel the pain but hopefully not dwell on it and definitely not beat myself up about it. Like Lisa says, “but please, no self loathing.”
Tomorrow, I will write that letter to Steve to clarify my thoughts and next steps.
Tonight, I will be happy to have friends and feel gratitude and excitement for the future.