Steve and I talked about our relationship for the second time. We talked in the car on the way back from the eclipse a week ago from yesterday. And let’s see, we talked for the first time a week prior to that.
I don’t know what to do. That feeling of tightness in my chest has returned. I both want to be snuggled up to Steve, to hold him, to love him, but there is also some sadness there.
I feel anxious. After our conversation two weeks ago, I felt so much lighter and optimistic for my future. As the days passed, and Steve and I didn’t revisit our conversation, I grew more anxious. I decided to go with Steve to visit South Carolina to watch the eclipse.
I am glad I went. It was a wonderful experience to have with Steve.
On the car ride home, I started talking with Steve about our relationship and having a follow-up conversation. Are we compatible? If we aren’t, we either have to work on it, or we break up. What do you think, Steve?
Steve said it was a question for me to answer. We talked for a half hour maybe. Mostly, I talked and Steve stared straight ahead. I told him explicitly what I wanted more of in our sexual relationship. I apologized for not saying these things before more explicitly and asked Steve what he thought. He said it wasn’t the first time he had heard this from me. And he said these are things you work on and talk about while you are working on them together, not as part of a compatibility question or of breaking up, or some words like that.
I asked him what he thought. He said he felt trapped in the car. I got that and I apologized. He said he didn’t like feeling lectured to and being trapped in the car, so I said let’s drop it, but can we please have a follow-up conversation. I told Steve I would like it if he was the one who brought this up sometimes and not always me bringing it up.
I told Steve I loved him very much. It was a hard conversation with no resolution, and I could feel myself becoming more codependent, clinging, trying to control the outcome in a way that makes it OK to stay with Steve.
And that was a week ago.
Steve is planning for us to go to Quebec City this weekend, and I am wondering if he will ever bring up our relationship. What do I do? I don’t want to let him down for this trip, but I don’t want to dishonor myself by being less than honest and sticking my head in the sand or being in pain because it feels like our relationship is continuing as is.
I will have to talk with Steve this week before we go to Quebec, if we go together. Right now, I am planning to go. It feels better than being in a state of ambivalence about going or not going. But we will have to talk this week. I was hoping Steve would be the one to revisit the conversation, and I still hope we will, but I don’t think he will.
I can understand Steve’s perspective. I have run from him and been less than committed and said that sex is the reason I cannot commit or have not committed. He wants the safety and security of working on our physical relationship while we are together and I have committed. I understand that, but I want to know that we can have a satisfying physical relationship so that I can commit.
We have different perspectives. And I feel like the responsibility for our entire relationship rests on my shoulders. Steve has said he is happy with me no matter what; if not happy, he will accept being with me however he can, because he loves me. I don’t believe what we have right now is enough for Steve, and I feel so guilty for not giving him what he deserves, but I am not responsible for Steve. I can only say for me, our current relationship is not enough. And I will have to be the one to make any change.
What is my next right thing?
I guess I will write a letter to clarify my thoughts now and talk with Steve this week.