What is the best for me?

I have been thinking about this question this afternoon. And you know, my girlfriend DD has given me this advice often, but I haven’t internalized the question before today. I don’t think. DD says ask this question in third person like “what is the best for Susan?”

Today, for some reason, I felt in my heart the subtext to this question:
“I deserve what is best for me.”

I feel good after having had a good day at work and after talking with my college radio boss Jerry, who always knows just what to say. Sure, if I think about Darrell, that pang hits my heart, and I think, “He chose someone else. I’m not good enough to be chosen. He doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not lovable. I will never be loved like that again.”

I think it’s important for me to be honest about my internal dialogue, so I can call bullshit where there is bullshit.

In any case, here’s what I believe is best for me:

  • To be in a physically satisfying relationship; to tap that aspect of my womanhood
  • To be clear with my partner about what I need
  • To break up with S because he will not or cannot contribute to meet this need
  • To stop fantasizing over someone who doesn’t want to be with me
  • To talk to people who fill my cup and want what is best for me (DD, Brenda, Jerry)
  • To work on my self esteem like a champ every.damn.day.
  • To understand my part in my past relationships ending. (I can do this when I’m single.)
  • To dream what I want in my life

I’m going to go to meeting tonight then come back to write about my feelings for S. Then have a talk this weekend.

One thought on “What is the best for me?

  1. dddish says:

    Su, I love how strong and honest you are being! Thank you for acknowledging my advice. I feel certain that you are going to find what you want, need and deserve in this life.
    Love you, my friend! DD

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