I have been thinking about this question this afternoon. And you know, my girlfriend DD has given me this advice often, but I haven’t internalized the question before today. I don’t think. DD says ask this question in third person like “what is the best for Susan?”
Today, for some reason, I felt in my heart the subtext to this question:
“I deserve what is best for me.”
I feel good after having had a good day at work and after talking with my college radio boss Jerry, who always knows just what to say. Sure, if I think about Darrell, that pang hits my heart, and I think, “He chose someone else. I’m not good enough to be chosen. He doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not lovable. I will never be loved like that again.”
I think it’s important for me to be honest about my internal dialogue, so I can call bullshit where there is bullshit.
In any case, here’s what I believe is best for me:
- To be in a physically satisfying relationship; to tap that aspect of my womanhood
- To be clear with my partner about what I need
- To break up with S because he will not or cannot contribute to meet this need
- To stop fantasizing over someone who doesn’t want to be with me
- To talk to people who fill my cup and want what is best for me (DD, Brenda, Jerry)
- To work on my self esteem like a champ every.damn.day.
- To understand my part in my past relationships ending. (I can do this when I’m single.)
- To dream what I want in my life
I’m going to go to meeting tonight then come back to write about my feelings for S. Then have a talk this weekend.