so Darrell posted a new profile picture today. of him and his girlfriend. she is wearing a pounamu. which can only be given as a gift. it is a similar pounamu as the one he gave me. my first thought is, “she looks so happy, but him not as much.” but he is the one who posted this as his profile picture, so he must be proud and happy. i continue to lie to myself to shield myself from pain, with each rejection and reality darrell has shared with me, i have found a way to rationalize it. but the truth is, it’s over.
here we are in august, exactyly just two months ago on june 23, he was saying to me he he fantasized about us being together.
this hurts. i really wanted to be with Darrell again. and now, i know it is over.
my SLAADIES had such good advice and support yesterday about putting my relationship with Darrell in perspective. he probably had commitment issues too. and what we had, it never would have worked, with the love addiction and adaptive approaches i had when we were together. it never would have worked. i ran from love because it was the best i could do at the time. i have learned from darrell breaking up with me, but the truth is, it never would have worked until i learned how to speak what i need and to lean into love and not run away from it.
i guess i am sad about the loss of the possibility we could have worked in the future.
i am sad because i know that darrell loved me very much.
i am sad because i pushed this love away.
i am scared that no one will ever love me this way again–the way i act, the way i talk, the way i look.
but the truth is:
- darrell does not want me.
- i have been rejected.
- there is nothing i can do to change this.
and honestly, i don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. truth.
i do not place my self worth in what someone else thinks about me.
i deserve to be with someone who thinks i hung the moon.
and you know, darrell had failings too. he had few boundaries and let others invade his boundaries to the point he would put those boundaries up at the last minute, overly rigid and too much for the situation. and i felt sometimes he was not doing right by his friends and spending time with people who weren’t worth his time.
and there are other things i didn’t like:
- darrell could be overly emotional and self-centered, e.g. coming to a woman’s rescue at a bar in the neighborhood and needing to call me about it to get validation
- staying with dave jaye in florida, knowing he was not a good person, then calling for emotional support, because dave berated him
- being base and cynical, getting caught up in negative news and trump, and not being a systems thinker
- keeping two options. there must have been some overlap between his messages to me and time with his girlfriend. (i can’t be too upset about this. i have done this emotional cheating too. not a good strategy for facing my life.)
- overstated his abilities in korean. he is not conversational, no.
- he might not have been kind. he reached first for food at the breakfast table in vietnam. he sometimes ordered food before me. he didn’t notice when i had hurt my hand after a fall and instead chose to tell me a story about how he learned to fall properly in jiu jitsu.
- he chose someone over me. and in the end, i cannot suffer someone who chooses someone else over me. Funke would say, “he is not the one for you.”
i have been fantasizing about seeing Darrell in Korea next month, wondering what that would be like, having some closure face to face. now i wonder if i want to subject myself to that. is there anything that will benefit me from such an encounter?
i remind myself, to get over shame and guilt, that i reached out to darrell to see him this summer to talk. i am not love avoidant. i am not broken. i am not totally unable to commit. i was taking steps to explore whether i could have what i wanted with darrell.
so i can be grateful for what i have learned from this relationship and breakup with darrell (1. don’t run from love. 2. be vulnerable. 3. be honest about my feelings.) and take some solace in the fact that the timing just didn’t work out.
and hello, avoidant, fantasizing person, you, i am looking at you, you have work to do RIGHT NOW in your own relationship. “do the next right thing.”
i have to have closure with Steve so he can move on and have a fulfilling life, and i can too. i have to rip the bandaid off of enjoying his company, like tonight over a beer, and talking about movies and work and life, and getting along so well, and know that, without the other components i need, we are not compatible as love partners.
we had a long talk on the way back from the eclipse Monday night, and Steve said the question of whether we are physically compatible is one for me to answer. so again, God, this is the lesson of my life–i have to be the agent of my life.