Steve said the thing that bothered him most about me was my being noncommital.
Am I noncommital? Yes, it may look that way.
With Steve, I am afraid of being in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy me physically for the rest of my life. At the same time, I have been afraid of hurting Steve and of losing Steve from my life. Is that fear of commitment? It appears that way, but I think it is more fear of being alone that has kept me with Steve.
With Darrell, I was afraid of making a mistake. That came out as criticism of him and our relationship. I believe I was afraid of being abandoned. The idea of commitment wasn’t so scary. The idea of not measuring up or being found to be not enough and being left, in spite of wanting to be loved and connected to him, that was overwhelming.
How do I get rid of this fear of commitment / fear of being left / fear of not being enough, all of this waste of life, so I can commit to someone I love and receive the love I deserve?
For the past six months, I have been starting to communicate my needs to Steve, and this has given me some confidence. I told Steve today I was sorry for being noncommital. I have not known any other way to be. I have been afraid to talk about our physical relationship for fear of losing him, but now I am learning to talk about my needs, and that is the only way I know to try to get over my commitment issues, i.e. to be vulnerable, and trust everything will work out, and we will either be closer, or we will break up.
I don’t want to be held back by this fear anymore. I sabotaged my relationship with Darrell, not that it was perfect, and I don’t want to do that in another relationship again.
I want to love myself completely and find someone to love who loves me as well.