That weight on my chest was gone. I scanned my body for it, and no, it wasn’t there.
I have woken with that feeling of dread and depression every day for the last couple of years. Kind of a heavy weight in my chest, and a feeling after I wake up of, “oh, I am here again.”
That feeling was gone this morning. I woke up with a smile on my face? For the past year, I have been going to 12-step meetings for love addiction, talking with friends, and reading books. For the past month-and-a-half, I have been focusing more on meditation and positive thinking. All of these supports have helped, but the thing I needed to do, above all, was talk with Steve.
And we talked last night. Honestly. Both of us.
And we planted the seeds of breaking up. I will write on our conversation later, because I want to remember it and cherish it and reflect on it, as I process what to do. (I.e. are we physically incompatible? If we are, and one of us believes a sex therapist is not an effective solution, then what is the logical conclusion? Unleess I can give up my needs and wants, we must break up.)
For now, what I feel is tremendous love for Steve, gratitude for his kindness and honesty, sadness it took us three years to have serious conversations and that, in spite of my love for him and our emotional and mental connection, we should have this physical mismatch between us. I also feel hope (a smidge?), that even if Steve and I are no longer together, we each will be ok.
I wish this issue did not exist between us. I wish I didn’t have these wants and that I could be happy with this amazing man.
If I think about it very long, the sadness of not having Steve in my life sinks in and makes me cry.
But still, I don’t feel that weight in my chest. (What is that feeling? Not being honest? Not being true to myself? I think my body tells me the truth, if I only listen.)
I don’t know how the next week will progress. I will do my best to be honest and act on love.
For today, I want to savor the relief of having had this hard conversation (which wasn’t as hard as I anticipated) with someone I love so much.