God knows, I am so tired of self-help and navel-gazing. I want to be done. Through. On the other side. My own biggest cheerleader and champion.
But I clearly have a little more growth in me.
I saw Barbara today. I am going to sign up for her Healing the Child Within seminar.
I am so done with 12-step meetings and trying to fix myself, and all I want to do is love myself and let my id be in charge for a while, but really what else is there to do?
I don’t want to get into another relationship and stay in that for five years because I fear there is nothing better. And I don’t want to luck upon a relationship with a wonderful man like D who loves me and push him away because I am afraid of not being enough.
I don’t want that. I don’t want that.
Barbara says I am hard on myself. She made me feel validated. She said at my age, it’s reasonable to want a fulfilling, physical relationship with my partner, and there is plenty of time to have that. And plenty of people, older than me, have stayed in relationships that didn’t work for them even longer. She struggled to leave her partner too although she knew the relationship was not good for her. It took her a long time to get strong enough to leave. I swear Barbara knows just what to say. I continue to be amazed there are people this loving in the world.
Sometimes I think it would be much easier to find somebody like me, who is longing for love (like D?), to settle down with and be happy together.
But I don’t want that. I want to be fierce and vulnerable and wildly at peace with myself.
I feel the seed of it growing in me. And I believe I will feel much better on the other side of a breakup. I think my trust in myself will return very quickly. The challenge may be that it feels easier, safer, to be alone than to be vulnerable and put my heart on the line. But I have learned my lesson with D should real love come my way again. I don’t want to be alone my entire life.
So I am going to take this class and tend to little Susan. *eye roll*
One of the ladies I met last year said this is the “original grief” work. She said taking the time to dig into that childhood shite made a huge difference in her life and she was no longer compelled by sadness and the intense need to be loved. I so want that.
So I will trust this class may do good. Besides, all this self love stuff keeps me from being distracted by fruitless thoughts of D and focused on what I need to do next in my life.