it’s when i’m alone that anxiety takes over, and i make up feelings.
perhaps i really love Darrell, i can say to myself. but when i’m in the moment and paying attention to talking with him, i feel that i care for him and maybe even love him but don’t love him deeply as a life partner, not like Steve. i don’t want to keep comparing everyone i meet to Steve. every relationship is different, but i do want the depth of emotion and connection I had with Steve.
i also want to see Darrell once more, that whole being sure racket. try to see him outside of the lens of Steve. i also want to see sheep, lots and lots of sheep. life is short, and i don’t think i’ll have this opportunity again to experience Maori culture and New Zealand with a native. if i am lying to myself, at least i am not lying to anyone else, though i know my most important relationship is with myself. so i will enjoy the ride and listen to my feelings in the moment and deal with any fallout on the back end. period. the end.