holiday haka

i’m going to new zealand. decision made. no more waffling.
i’m kind of excited. most important, i think i can do this without setting myself back and returning to a place of being dishonest with anyone.

i told steve how much i loved him, and i told darrell too that the entire time he and i were together, there were three of us in the relationship, including steve. now i’m talking with darrell again, i told him i’m not over my last relationship. i don’t want to hurt him, but i don’t want to lie about anything anymore.

i’m not as good of a person as i want to be yet but i feel lighter. more operating from love and honesty, less fear and selfishness. at least, that’s where i want to be.

so, my friends gave me their different perspectives on going to new zealand to visit. rebecca asked what the trip would do to my peace of mind after getting to this place. tanja, tri, eddie, and my mother too had good advice. tri questioned whether i would enjoy new zealand being his friend  who lives least in the moment. (that sounds about right, since tri is my friend who lives most in the moment, a quality i really admire.)

funke said to me tonight, look. you have your answer about steve. if you care about darrell, then maybe you owe it to yourself to see if you can get to know him for who he really is and not just as non-steve. go visit. be in the moment and enjoy each day and then you’ll know. what’s wrong with wanting to go to new zealand?

so, i guess she absolved me of some of my guilt about going. i kept getting stuck on, “what would steve think?” if there was ever a chance for us to be together, what would steve think? how asinine. steve’s moved on, and the truth is, the opinion that matters most is my own. i have to be able to look myself in the mirror.

so i’ve been honest. i am still kind of selfish. but i d@mn sure am not going back to a place of being dishonest.

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