when you’re in love, how do you want to feel?

I surfed the web tonight searching for answers like I was searching for Viagra, as if you can find this sh!t online.

I thought about why it was so hard to leave my ex-boyfriend and surfed the web for the definition of commitment phobia and recommendations about love.

After wasted time and much navel gazing, I think I am not a commitment phobe.
I might be afraid of intimacy and depending on someone else though. Most of my life, I’ve felt most secure when I wasn’t depending on someone else, but this is no way to live.

The bigger issue is I don’t want to be alone. So I hold on too long and hurt people’s feelings, which is asinine, because avoiding hurting people’s feelings is the reason I held on too long in the first place.

I have a hard time breaking up, especially with someone who loves me. I might have a problem with wanting to be needed, which is narcissistic. I mean look at Tula. Look at F4K. I had such a hard time leaving my marriage and my job, when my reasons for leaving both were legitimate. And look. Both my ex-husband and my company have flourished, even moreso without me.

I also overthink.

I admire Kimberley, who can pack her belongings into a station wagon and move across the country for love. Me, I use logic to justify my decisions, because I don’t trust my gut. Actually, I think I have good instincts. So why don’t I trust them?

When I know I’m not connecting with my boyfriend, I argue with myself.

But he’s smart. He treats you well. You get along with each other. You could have babies. Why would you break up?

And I delay making a decision. I should say, I have delayed making decisions. This is a new chapter d@mmit.

The thing is, there’s little room for logic in love.

For example, my ex-boyfriend had so many wonderful qualities. He was thoughtful, liked to cook, liked running, loved travel, he looked after me, he loved me, our physical relationship was fulfilling. Yet our relationship was good but not joyful.

Previous to him, my ex-boyfriend and I had a large age difference, having kids together was a question mark, he didn’t cook, and we needed some work on our physical relationship. Yet our relationship was full of joy. I wanted to talk to him for hours. I wanted to hear every idea and perspective that ever crossed his mind.

You can’t approach love logically.
Connecting with someone is but one factor yet it counterbalances all others.

I always try to be logical, though it’s not my natural tendency, so I read through a lot of “are you in love with him” articles tonight. (My brother said that if you have to ask yourself if you’re in love with someone, you’re not in love with that person.)

One of the articles said a good way of knowing if you love someone is if they make you feel the way you want to feel. Clearly, you need to know how you want someone to make you feel first.

I want someone who

  • makes me feel heard and makes me feel smart
  • makes me feel unique and appreciates my brain. yeah, same as the first reason.
  • makes me laugh
  • makes me feel good about myself like I’m enough
  • makes me want to be a better person
  • makes me feel sexy and wanted
  • makes me feel safe and secure like I can count on him in life

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