Before leaving Seoul, I counted the days to being back in North Carolina. I anticipated seeing friends, drinking draft beer and running through the forest.
In fact, I’m feeling unsettled. I had a mild panic attack in Whole Paycheck yesterday.
I didn’t expect to feel very different, having been in Korea less than two years with visits in between. Driving around Fayetteville and Raleigh with Eddie, I had a feeling of, “Everything looks the same.” It felt like I’d been here last month, and that’s neither good nor bad.
Eddie said, “you’ll find small things have changed.” In fact, people have changed. They moved on with their lives.
Driving down Clarendon Street through my old neighborhood started making me feel uneasy. When I walked into Whole Foods, I was surprised to feel unsettled instead of eager. The store was overwhelming. None of the beer looked familiar. I expected to see people I knew and wasn’t sure if I wanted to. It felt like visiting ghosts. I have so many good memories of friendship and love from living there, but I guess you can’t go back.
Everyone has moved on with their lives. I expected as much, but it’s different being confronted by reality.
The reality is, I’m sleeping on my brother’s couch. I’m not working or attending school at the moment, and my mother loaned me her car. Self-worth, meh. I don’t belong yet.
Spending time with Tanja and Tri last night was soothing. Moving out of my brother’s one-bedroom into a two-bedroom apartment should also provide comfort of having a tangible space of my own. And I think getting out to volunteer this month will also make me feel better. I keep thinking about Tuesdays With Morrie. Morrie says the only way to find meaning in your life is to devote yourself to others.
On the upside, unpacking clothes from the storage unit is like going on a shopping spree.